Courage - It's always darkest before the dawn...

I ask you, Gentle Reader, to remember that this blog is a tool for me to teach and pass along information primarily to my own children, while inviting all to read these words. This entry will be the same - I hope that my own offspring will read and take the meaning of this heartfelt confession of fear.

It is apparent that many things are happening these days that give one cause for fear. Me included. I have been an active member of the Church since January 25, 1975. Forty years. I used to just go along with the flow, attending my church meetings, avoiding all (well, mostly all) of the items deemed "taboo" by the Church, doing the odd service project now and then, and sleeping in on Stake and General Conference Sundays. Sometimes. When I could get away with it.

Then, two things happened, both in January.

First, I started working with an old friend of mine, from way way back in my mission days. He is a good and trusted friend, one whom I respect very much and thoroughly enjoy working with and sharing conversations about a wide variety of topics, including religion.

Second, I started teaching Gospel Doctrine classes. In fact, on the 40 year anniversary of my baptism, I was teaching a lesson called "Prepare Ye the Way of the Lord."

It's kind of strange- teaching and public speaking really don't cause any fear in me at all. I very much enjoy teaching. I enjoy discussing my lessons with the person mentioned above, then passing along newfound understanding to the people in my class.

But, there are other things that frighten me. For example, through my discussions with my friend above, I have come to have my eyes opened a bit to the fact that if I am to be saved, and my family, we are going to have to go a lot further in our gospel study and knowledge than we ever have up to now. I have also learned that those who try to learn gospel truths that are not convenient for the powers that be, sometimes (well, actually, at an alarming rate) find themselves being removed from the Church.

I am saddened that people can be booted out for simply studying the Gospel too much. In the past few days, I have knowledge of at least four families that are being affected by leaders that cannot tolerate the fact that folks might actually have questions about the way things are being run, and that want to grow and rise up and grab the end of the iron rod that Christ has placed in front of us that leads back to Him.

So, that makes me afraid.

Because I know that we, too, might be faced with that consequence if we continue to advance down this path that we have barely started. And so, I read scriptures and study blogs and listen to talks and read books. But I am afraid to ask if this is true. I fear the consequences.

I fear the drastic change that must be undergone if I find that this new path is the correct one. I mean, I've got 40 years of following what I've been told to follow under my belt. It's a close friend that has been diagnosed with a terminal disease. If that friend dies, there will be mourning and loss. Sadness and emptiness. That process will have to be gone through. I feel like it has already started.

I fear the ramifications for all of you. I see what struggles are being endured by other families that are simply seeking truth. There is mocking, and ostracism. I can handle that. I cannot handle it when my people suffer.

I fear the loss of friends. If I (we) continue on the path, and find that it's the true path, and experience what that will inevitably lead to, I know that I have friends that will not tolerate that sort of change. I will find that we speak less and less. No more fishing. No more lunches. No more texts or emails. I feel like that will probably happen to most of us.

Most of all, I fear heaven. If we find that this is all true, that carries heavy consequence and responsibility.  I feel almost like the Israelites in the wilderness, when Moses invited them to go up the Mount with him, into the black smoke and lightnings, to meet God. No thanks, they said. Seeing God will kill us. You go for us, they said. I kind of think... that's me right now.

Or maybe it's just that fear is the darkness caused by Satan, when he tries to dissuade us from doing big, great, important things.

Remember what happened to Joseph Smith as he started to pray in the Grove. Do you recall?

"I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction."

Joseph then called upon God to save him from what he felt would be certain destruction. Or, rather, to save him from the temptation of fear. If Satan could make Joseph fear what comes next enough, Joseph would turn away and forget he ever made the attempt to get to know God.

So, what is fear? I have heard it called the opposite of love. The opposite of courage. The opposite of faith. It is the opposite of a lot of things, all of which come from God. So, fear, necessarily, is of the devil. He uses it to get us to doubt ourselves, to lose confidence, and to think twice about making contact with the Heavens.

Satan might also get even more tricky about this particular temptation. Think back to Lehi's dream. Do you remember that in the beginning of the dream, Lehi found himself in a dark and dreary waste. Then:

"5 And it came to pass that I saw a man, and he was dressed in a white robe; and he came and stood before me.

6 And it came to pass that he spake unto me, and bade me follow him.

7 And it came to pass that as I followed him I beheld myself that I was in a dark and dreary waste.

8 And after I had traveled for the space of many hours in darkness, I began to pray unto the Lord that he would have mercy on me, according to the multitude of his tender mercies.

9 And it came to pass after I had prayed unto the Lord I beheld a large and spacious field." (I Ne. Ch. 8)

Some spirit, intent on leading Lehi away from light, truth and knowledge, appeared in a white robe and seduced Lehi into following him into the dark and dreary waste. Lehi, like Joseph, called upon God and was delivered from the darkness.

Later, as Lehi sees the remainder of the vision of the Tree of Life, he sees the tree, the fruit, the path, and the rod. He sees his family and desires them to receive the fruit that he has. So he hopes that they will find the rod, and grab to it. However, they, too, are lost in the darkness. He calls out to them and they are able to find him and the tree, and partake of the fruit.

The Lord does not wish for us to be cowardly. He wants us to have courage. Thus, in order to overcome fear, let fear become humility. Humility leads to seeking and asking and crying unto the Lord:

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." Ether 12:27

This is how we grow courage! If we are humble and faithful before the Lord, he will strengthen us and teach us! Then those things which make us afraid (OK... make ME afraid) will turn to things we can see as blessings.

There will be no sadness at the death of a friend, only rejoicing that we can sacrifice for Christ's sake. There will be no loss of friends for those who will not stand beside us as we grow were never truly friends anyway. There will be new friends around us with the same heart and the same mind who earnestly seek to draw closer to Christ and to build Zion. And, finally, there will be no fear of the Heavens, for we will be there. 

"Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake." (Matt. 5:11)

Blessed will we be when we do these things. So, I will do it. I will challenge myself to study, ponder, and seek the personal revelation that the Lord promises us in James, and Moroni. We must study, ponder and ask, and the Lord will give all things, upbraiding not. 

Simple in concept. Complicated in practice. But it needs to be done. With courage, nothing wavering.

Won't you join me?